The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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