I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
