We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
