dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
