there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
