You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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