So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
