zippers are such a cool invention
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
