What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
