Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
