oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
