Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
