If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I fill condoms, not promises.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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