3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
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i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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