Rock
Scissors
Fuck
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
