I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
