I need to stop coming to work sober
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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