Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The air was thick with penises
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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