Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
