I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
