Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
