I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
