i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
