i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
