dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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