he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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