I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
