bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
