Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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