I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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