Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
