You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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