Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
