Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
