i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
