Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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