Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
