i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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