My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
