so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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