He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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