Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
