I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
