Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
