I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
