haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
