Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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