our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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