i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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