I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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