Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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