I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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