i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm determined to sit on that face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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