you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
