It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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