You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
