She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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