cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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