Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
