Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
