i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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